Hold Onto Your Kids, But Know When To Let Go

This picture was taken an hour before my oldest son boarded a plane to Europe. His first solo trip. 12 cities in 28 days.

I’ve come to terms with the notion that Motherhood is defined as the process of letting go. Every time we came across a new bridge where my children would spread their wings a bit, I would hold my breath and then repeat that mantra in my head.

I have always firmly held the belief that my children were gifted to me to shepherd through this life and help them form who they are. They are not my lost dreams that I never got to live out as a child. They are their own unique being. Their choices and decisions, while guided by me, are their own.

I write this as my middle son is in the process of joining the Military Reserves. Talk about an exercise in letting go! It’s not the choice I would make for him but at the same time, I can’t allow my fear to overshadow what he feels passionate about.

However, there is a process to getting them here. And it starts young.

As a new mother, I knew how I wanted to raise my kids and in what environment. The values that were in my heart were paramount. I consciously chose who I exposed them to including the school and teachers who guided them everyday. I trained as a Montessori teacher before I had children and I knew that this was the system I wanted my children to be part of. Montessori places a huge amount of value on building a child’s independence while respecting the work that they are doing as an individual to develop who they are.

It is about nourishing them by providing a rich environment where they can take what they need from it at any given time. It was about helping them to develop critical thinking skills rather than to just “do it because I said so”.

However, not everyone chooses or has access to this type of schooling. The good news is that you as the parent are still the most impactful influence in their lives. What you do at home trumps anything they may learn in school. Never underestimate that.

Here’s what I did, and with one child now an adult and the second one close behind, I can look back and tell you that I wouldn’t change a thing…

I held them close. They knew that they were number one in my eyes, no matter what. But I also held them accountable. They made mistakes but they always knew that I would be there to help pick them back up and that I would always be in their corner.

The deal was that they wouldn’t have weekly chores, but if I asked them to help out by emptying the dishwasher, cleaning the litter box or driving their younger sister to ballet, they did it. Without a fuss. It was part of being a part of our family. We picked up the house together or raked the leaves, not because they were getting paid, but because it was what needed to be done.

We developed a mutual respect for each other which is really, what I believe to be my secret weapon as a parent. They were not my friend and I was not theirs. But they trusted me that if I was making a decision on their behalf, it would always be what was in their best interest. Occasionally they would test the boundaries, but their disdain for us wouldn’t last too long.

Arguably, parents stress about the high school years. They worry about their kids getting involved with the wrong crowd or getting involved with drugs. I’m here to tell you that if you wait until high school to worry about these things, you are too late.

Grade 6-8 is where these relationships are forming. Figuring out who they are going to look up to and who they are going to listen to. They are in a state of limbo. Too young to be invited to the adult table at Christmas but are also too old to want to play with dolls and matchbox cars. This is the age where the boundaries need to be super clear. So that you can feel good about giving them freedom but also know who they are spending their time with and what they are into.

I knew when to let go. The first time they drove off in someone else’s car. Had a sleepover at someone else’s house or wanted to go to overnight camp. Because we had put the groundwork in place, I felt better about the need to let them go when it was time to let them spread their wings.

Now 18, 16 and 9, the landscape is changing and we are starting to see how all of those little decisions as children affected who they became. And it is magical. The pride I felt as they took their first steps or rode a two wheeler for the first time doesn’t even compare to watching my grown children follow their dreams and come into their own.

I’m curious to hear from you. What steps did you take with your children that you would do all over again if you had the choice?